15 Things You Must Own Before You Invite a Woman Over
A Bed Frame
If you’re hooking up with someone on a mattress on the floor, you probably won’t get to do it again. Have some self-respect and get yourself a bed frame (barebones styles start at $55). If you wanna be extra, add a headboard that your overnight guests can grab on to during the sex.
Picture Frames
Frames are a shortcut for looking like you “thought about” the stuff on your walls. I’m not gonna tell you to retire that Pulp Fiction movie poster (though, yes, you probably should), but I am gonna tell you to frame it. Sticky tack and tape have no place outside the chilly cinderblock hell of dorms. IKEA has a mess of affordable frames easy enough to figure out. I’ve managed to hang pictures countless times while very, very stoned. You can, too!
Basic Kitchen Supplies
You don’t gotta get all Master Chef up in there, but keep common provisions stocked—i.e., salt, pepper, olive oil, garlic powder, vinegar, maybe some cayenne flakes. And don’t stop there. It’s important to keep coffee supplies on deck, even if you don’t drink the stuff (chances are your sleepover bud will, and she won’t wanna use a paper towel as an improvised filter). Have a couple spatulas, a corkscrew, kitchen linens, a can opener, one decent chef’s knife (this goes very far, trust), measuring devices, a cutting board, an ice cube tray that is not empty, a frying pan, a pot, silverware, kitchen shears, and at minimum one potholder.
Coasters
Cardboard coasters from bars are not a good look. Like frames, weighty or ceramic coasters give the illusion of a cared-for space and, if you’re really convincing, class. No one has to know the coffee table under said coasters was up-cycled from the curb.
Trashcans
Look for varieties with lids—especially for the bathroom—but have one in each room, including your bedroom (sneaking off for a post-coital pee is made all the more clumsy if you gotta bring a used condom with you). Plus, a covered wastebasket in the kitchen keeps offensive odors on the DL. If you wanna court eco babes or in general build up good enviro karma, consider purchasing an indoor compost bin with a charcoal filter if you toss a lot of food products.
One Nice Candle
Shoot for a soy-based candle because they burn longer and are more suited for, uh, dripping on bodies, if your night goes that way. Pick a clean-smelling, subtle scent like sandalwood. If you’re the forgetful type, please don’t burn down your apartment—get an essential oil diffuser instead.
A Non-Laptop Music-Playing Device
Silence is not golden—it’s mega awk. Cracking a laptop only to shuffle a Spotify-generated playlist is amateur hour. Those tinny speakers! Those ads! It doesn’t have to be this way! (Upgrade to Spotify Premium, at least.) For starters, look into Bluetooth speakers and then learn a thing or two about jazz. Once you’re an advanced adult, you can start collecting vinyl.
Lamps
Overhead lighting is the scourge of comfortable entertaining. It makes me feel like I’m under interrogation or, worse, at the gym. Neither makes me feel sexy or at ease. Throw a floor lamp in the living room corner, and be sure to keep another smaller lamp on your bedside table (in which a supply of condoms should always live).
Extra Linens
My mom always said, “One to wash, one to wear, and one just in case.” Keep two or three sets of bed sheets around, because spills happen and expecting your date to bone on a mattress pad is ridiculous. Have somewhere in the area of three bathroom-towel sets. If storage space is limited, keep them stashed under your bed in a plastic storage container or space bag—which you can now do because of that whole bed-frame thing. TIGHT.
Throw Blankets
Science says women are always colder than men, and I say blankets are a shortcut to cozy. Plus, if you’re watching a movie on the couch with a hot person, adding a nice throw is a good way to transition from chilling to cuddling. A decent blanket is also helpful at hiding any stains or tears your sofa may sport.
A First-Aid Kit
If one more man—in my house, his house, the office, out in the world at all—asks me for an Advil, I will burst into a dove-shaped cloud of I GIVE UP and evaporate. Dudes, keep the following in your home at all times: ibuprofen, a box of Band-Aids (plus an antiseptic like hydrogen peroxide and an antibacterial ointment), cotton balls and swabs, and sunscreen. Also, you’ll be relieved you stashed some unsexy stuff like anti-diarrhea medicine and antacid when you accidentally poison yourself or your sex friend when you’re wreaking havoc with your new kitchen supplies.
A Basic Tool Kit
A hammer, a screwdriver with a couple different heads, and perhaps a drill will give the impression that you are handy and rugged. Just think, “What would I need to fix something minor that my landlord will never handle?” Then buy the stuff you’d need to do that, and leave it out where visiting women will notice it.
Cleaning Supplies
Just go to the drug store and go bananas in the cleaning aisle. Then use these things and actually clean on a semi-regular basis.
Soap. At. Every. Sink.
Not just the kitchen, not just the bathroom—both. If you have additional sinks, keep some there as well. Opt for antibacterial soap, and add a hand-lotion pump nearby if you want to seem insanely smooth. Smooth like moisturized hands.
One Single Living Plant
Pothos take effort to murder, and they thrive even in dim spaces—they are, objectively, the lowest-investment/highest-return of houseplants. Not only can you keep yourself alive, there’s also this plant!