Aries:
Aries, the fire starter of the zodiac is also the most likely to insist on deep-frying a turkey. Predictably, they will fail to read the instructions and follow safety protocol. So in Bad news: The house is engulfed in flames. Good news: The bone structure of the average Aries is solid enough to support an absence of eyebrows.
Taurus:
Little known fact: Inside the chest of every Taurus beats not a heart but a sack of potatos. A Taurus is royalty when it comes to the potatoes at Thanksgiving. It doesn’t matter if you want casseroles, twice-baked, mashed or scalloped…A Taurus will take care of you
Gemini:
Gemini will generally forget to bring the side dish they either burned or never planned to one in the first place, so they’re bringing nothing but hot takes, unsolicited opinions, tangents, half-truths and divorce predictions to the dinner table this year.
Cancer: WEED
Feelings are hard, and feelings plus family equals too heavy of a burden for a cancer to bear. Practitioners of discreet but extensive self-care, you’ll find Cancer in the upstairs bathtub, hotboxing and ugly-crying… They also probably lead the cousin ‘wak’ before dinner. The cancers are bringing the party favors
Leo: CAMERA
Leos are going to be the ones to bring the video camera to their family gathering. Leos will lean into recording the dinner table conversation with plans to turn the dramatics and infighting into a one-person reality show — starring no one other than themselves.
Virgo: TUPPERWARE
Virgos will typically insist on hosting because they know full well no one else is capable. They will pretend to have fun while secretly fantasizing about the moment everyone leaves and they can clean the kitchen and watch terrible reality television in sacred, spotless solitude.
Libra:
Seeking to smooth things over or at the very least cover them up when company is coming, Libras are all about the sentimental things so they are going to bring all of the homemade art projects to Thanksgiving dinner all while forcing everyone to have a smile on their face.
Scorpio:
As the investigator and unexpected moral compass of the zodiac, Scorpios are likley to conscientiously object to celebrating a holiday that is all about pumpkin spice. They just aren’t that basic
Sagittarius:
Maybe if we could all get a little weird, we could all get along: That is the guiding principle of the terminally optimistic Sagittarius who is likely to show up half-drunk with a good-looking stranger on their arm and a deck of playing cards in their pocket.
Capricorn:
Capricorn will bring a pan of macaroni and cheese, as it is cost-effective, utilitarian and refuses to pander to those weak enough to have food allergies. The dairy-bound dish is emblematic of the sign itself — perpetually charged with keeping it all together.
Aquarius:
Galvanized by surrealist films and Kim Kardashian’s pro vegan Instagram Stories, Aquarius, the uncontested cult leader of the zodiac, might declare that meat is murder and shame/shade anyone who reaches for a drumstick or looks longingly at the spiral ham. Keeping us aspirational water bearer, we appreciate you.
Pisces:
Pisces people invariably shows up late to Friendsgiving — and in yesterday’s clothes. They smile and bop around the kitchen, asking if anyone needs help and with zero intention of providing it. They shelve the boxed wine they brought and open something expensive that they didn’t. Stay cute.