♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19)
🔥 Horoscope: Your impulse control is nonexistent this week, and frankly, we’re all a little scared. You’re gonna see a “DO NOT TOUCH” sign and touch it immediately. Someone will say, “Don’t text your ex,” and guess what? You already did.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #4
You’re funny, but mostly because your chaotic decisions make the rest of us feel stable.
♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
🌱 Horoscope: This week is all about self-care, aka eating a “snack” that is actually a full meal and falling asleep in the middle of a “quick break” that lasts three hours. Just try to pretend like you have responsibilities, even if you don’t act like it.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #9
You're more accidentally funny. The kind of humor where you say, “I love nature,” and then get chased by a wasp.
♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
🌀 Horoscope: Your FBI agent is TIRED of you switching moods faster than a TikTok trend cycle. One second, you’re deep in an existential crisis, and the next, you’re making a PowerPoint on why your friend should date someone toxic.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #2
Top-tier chaos comedian. You’re the type to start drama for the plot and then grab popcorn to watch it unfold.
♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
🌊 Horoscope: You're feeling extra sensitive this week, so maybe don’t go looking for hidden meanings in people’s texts. They really did just say “k” because they were busy—not because they hate you.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #8
You’re funny, but mostly when you go full meltdown mode over something minor, like running out of iced coffee.
♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22)
🌞 Horoscope: Big main character energy this week. Whether you’re in the group chat or at work, you’re somehow making it all about you (and honestly? We love that for you).
😂 Comedy Ranking: #5
You’re funny, but mainly in a “laugh at my own jokes and force everyone else to laugh” kind of way.
♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
📋 Horoscope: Your week consists of making to-do lists, getting mad when people don’t do things correctly, and realizing you’re the only competent one in your group. Again.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #10
You’re not funny on purpose, but your need for control in a chaotic world is entertaining.
♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22)
💫 Horoscope: You’re overthinking everything this week, including why that one person said “good morning” with a period instead of an exclamation mark. Spoiler: It doesn’t mean anything.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #6
You’re funny when you tell your friends to make a decision, then refuse to let them decide.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
🖤 Horoscope: Your vibe this week? Mysterious, brooding, and 100% creeping on people’s Instagram stories while acting like you don’t care about them at all.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #7
You have a dry, dark humor that hits HARD… but also scares people a little.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
🌍 Horoscope: You are living on the edge this week—financially, emotionally, and maybe even legally. If someone dares you to do something dumb, you will do it. No hesitation.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #1
The funniest sign. Your reckless energy and unhinged storytelling skills? Unmatched.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
💼 Horoscope: You’re so tired of everyone’s nonsense this week. Honestly, you’ve probably written out a resignation email in your head at least five times (even if you don’t have a job).
😂 Comedy Ranking: #11
Not super funny, but the way you look at people when they act dumb? Iconic.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
👽 Horoscope: You’re in your usual “too cool for this” mindset, pretending you don’t care about anything… except you care A LOT. Especially about random niche conspiracy theories.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #3
Your humor is weird but gold. You’ll say something absurd, and we’ll still be thinking about it three days later.
♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
🎭 Horoscope: You’re in your delulu era (again). Romanticizing life and making playlists for people who don’t know you exist. Keep dreaming, babe.
😂 Comedy Ranking: #12
Sorry, but you’re not funny. You’re just soft. And that’s okay.