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PAYTON'S PREDICTIONS: What Kind of Drunk Are You?


Jock Drunk

"Let's just go to the gym right now!" is something the intoxicated Aries might suddenly want to do—even if they are normally couch potatoes. When they get drunk, they love a good push-up contest or arm wrestle to flaunt their superior strength (again, even if they have none). 


Stealth Drunk

It starts with one drink, then another, then you’ve ordered another round, then one more. Suddenly, you’re super drunk, but your Taurus friend over here is just big chillin’. Taureans have a lot of dignity, and it’s hard to make them look foolish, even when they are being absolute fools. 


Spills Tea Drunk

Geminis are hardwired to spread information, not hide it. So, when alcohol lowers their naturally low inhibitions when it comes to gossip, the tea will spill everywhere. Drinking is a social sport, and Geminis are the pros. 


Crying Drunk

Underneath the crab's crabbiness is a soft, emotional core that only their inner circle gets to see. But, alcohol can temporarily de-shell your average Cancer long enough to open the floodgates of their feelings, which usually means tears. It doesn't matter what the emotion is, it will spill like seawater from their eyes.


High Drama Drunk

Lights, camera, drunk! Leos can make a stage of a bathroom floor, and if that's where they're booked that night, they will work it like they’re at the hottest club in town. Whether it's karaoke, drunken toasts, confronting people who have wronged them, it doesn't matter. The boozy Leo is ready to make it a moment worth Instagramming. 


Shady Drunk

It's a good thing Virgos aren't evil, because they know everyone's weaknesses. The thing about a Virgo is that when they criticize you, they do it because they genuinely want to help. Deep down they know they were put on this planet to tidy things up according to their own sky-high standards. So, when they get a little tipsy, they get even more honest than they usually are.



Lovey DoveyDrunk

"I love you!!!" is something the drunk Libra will say from the moment the first shot touches their lips. A Libra is all about love in all its forms, and even one glass of wine can elevate a new acquaintance to best friend status. Libras like to make everyone feel welcome, and they have a natural preference for everyone to have a good time.


 Seductive Drunk

And the award for most sexy-eye stares while drunk goes to… the Scorpios. The scorpio’s reputation for being a little freaky is usually interpreted too literally. But if a Scorpio is crushing on someone, their usual flirts tend to become more obvious around sip two or three. 


Dancing Drunk

Sags are already loud and party people, so adding alcohol to the mix is only going to take things up from there. Sagittarius is a physical sign, so they are going to need you to report to the dance floor, where they will be tearing it up with some choreo that they may or may not have practiced in their room.


Sober Drunk

Sure, Capricorns get plastered when they want to, but they are still so composed and professional because deep in their mind they want to be prepared for the possibility that they might run into someone like Elon Musk. Capricorns dress for the jobs they want, and when they drink, they get business drunk.


Debater Drunk

The drunk Aquarius would like everyone to listen to them right now! After all, they are about to basically solve climate change, income inequality, and culture itself, if they could just convince you that their incredibly prescient and insightful perspective is the only correct one. 


High Drunk

The slippery fish of the zodiac will find the most remote little corner of any party and camp out there. They just follow the vibes, and they naturally gravitate to the most meaningful conversations, the tastiest snacks and the most fulfilling spiritual energy. Basically, when they are drunk, they’re kind of high, too. And they might change your life if you let them.