Aries
Best Short Film
Aries tend to come in hot and fizzle out quickly. It’s not that they are total amateurs (although some of them are), it’s just that they are overrun with inspiration and can realistically only execute an estimated five percent of the ideas they have in their creative lives. That’s why they win the Oscar for Best Short Film, which nods to their tiny attention spans and bursts of artistic genius.
Taurus
Best Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role
You can always rely on a Taurus for support. They have some of the strongest constitutions in the cosmos, and their loyalty is out of this world. They’ve got glamour for days, which translates through the screen as pure, bankable presence. It doesn’t matter how much they’re on camera; the impression they make tends to outlast generations. Which is why they would win the Oscar for the Best Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role.
Gemini
Best Original/Adapted Screenplay
One can’t dismiss a Gemini no matter how hard they try. These are the writers, the journalists, the witty dialogue crafters of the zodiac. They are represented by the twins because they are constantly in conversation, if not with others then with themselves. Functionally, it means that, even at rest, they are always putting their experiences and observations into words and stories. It's an absolute guarantee that they would win Best Screenplay. It doesn’t matter whether the work is adapted or original.
Cancer
Best Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
Cancers are underrated for how prestigious they are. Everyone knows the drama and the easy tears. But these crabs are not aimless messes. In fact, they are ruthless survivalists forever in search of security and they like to WIN. Cancers would give us the iconic performance and win the Best Actor/Actress Oscar.
Leo
Best Director
You may have thought that Leo would be a lock for Best Actor or Actress. This is because Leos are dramatic, attention-grabbing, charismatic, and every other adjective that means people can’t stop talking about them. Their talent for captivating an audience is real. But here’s the thing: film isn’t an actor’s medium; it belongs to the director. Artistically speaking, the director’s vision is the boss. And being the boss is Leo’s whole deal. Which is why they are taking home the Best Director Oscar
Virgo
Best Film Editing
Of course Virgo wins a technical award like Best Film Editing. Their attention to detail and rugged perfectionism is well known, especially by anyone who has ever worked with them. The very essence of editing is one of judgment, patience, precision and a superhuman tolerance for the little things. This is where the Virgo excels above all. It’s impossible not to fail their incredibly high standards, but they are here to win it all.
Libra
Best Costume Design
Libras are aesthetic creatures. The world of fashion belongs to Libra’s and there is no question about it. Fashion is just storytelling through clothes. And The Oscar for Best Costume rewards films that weave their narrative through the characters’ clothes, and no one more than a Libra understands the potential impact of an outfit.
Scorpio
Best Animated Feature Film
Scorpios are intensely, famously private. If they had it their way, you might only ever see their work and not them. That’s why they’re winning Best Animated Feature Film, an award given to movies whose visual landscape is fully created. Scorpios like to make behind the scenes, and in an animated film, the real world itself is out of frame.
Sagittarius
Best Foreign Language Film
As the sign of international travel and higher education, it’s an obvious conclusion that Sagittarius wins Best Foreign Language Film. Sagittarius culture is all about letting their free-roaming minds catch on anything that fascinates them, and the more inaccessible, the better. It’s not snobbery that motivates them, though — they truly enjoy experiencing other cultures. That’s one way they prevent getting bored with their own.
Capricorn
Best Picture
Here we go. The final award of the night, the one that attracts the most fanfare and press, the crown jewel, the reason we stayed up this late, Best Picture. This is Capricorn’s sweet spot: the literal peak of achievement. Capricorn is the sign of prestige and fame, and while they tend to be shy (or at least introverted), they want their work to be the most talked about of the season. Best Picture is the superior award, and Capricorn is the sign of hard work over time that leads to career-making heights.
Aquarius
Best Documentary
The zodiac’s resident activist loves a true story with a sharp point of view. That’s why Aquarians win Best Documentary, a format through which they express their complaints and opinions through a multitude of voices, data they can manipulate however they want, and a ton of strategically placed B roll. IFor Aquarians, that’s a two-and-a-half-hour tribute to them being right, which is enough honor without the award. But they’ll take the statue anyway.
Pisces
Best Original Score/Song
Pisces is all about the mood, and you can’t set a mood without the music. Pisces is one of most fluid and abstract signs of the zodiac, and their powers of intuition are different. This makes them uniquely qualified to interpret a film sonically, and make you feel its meaning even before you know it.