♈ Aries
The "Boredom" Expiration: Your situationship ends the second the chase is over. If they become too available or—god forbid—consistent, you’re already looking for the next spark. You don't leave because it's bad; you leave because it’s "fine."
♉ Taurus
The "Property" Expiration: You’ll stay in a "no-label" zone forever as long as the snacks are good and the physical chemistry is 10/10. It only expires when they try to change the routine or suggest seeing other people. You don't want the title, but you do want the loyalty.
♊ Gemini
The "Ghosting" Expiration: Your situationships don’t usually "end"—they just fade into 3:00 AM memes until one of you stops replying. You have a three-month cap before you get bored of the conversation and find a new person to deep-dive with.
♋ Cancer
The "Past Due" Expiration: You stay six months too long. You’re already planning the wedding in your head while they’re still calling you "homie." It only expires when your feelings get hurt so badly you finally retreat into your shell for a seasonal depression.
♌ Leo
The "Audience" Expiration: If they aren't posting you or bragging about you, it’s over. You can handle "no labels" in private, but the second you feel like a secret instead of a trophy, you’re hitting the exit. You need a fan club, not a hidden link.
♍ Virgo
The "Logic" Expiration: You have a literal mental spreadsheet for this person. The situationship expires the moment the "cons" list outweighs the "pros." You don't cry; you just send a final, perfectly punctuated text and block them for efficiency.
♎ Libra
The "Mirror" Expiration: You’ll stay as long as they stay. You hate being the one to "break the vibe," so you’ll linger in a "we’re just vining" state for a year just to avoid the awkward confrontation of asking "what are we?"
♏ Scorpio
The "Investigation" Expiration: It ends when you find out the one secret they were trying to hide. You’re not just dating; you’re an FBI agent. The second you catch them in a white lie or a suspicious IG follow, the "situationship" turns into a cold case.
♐ Sagittarius
The "Clingy" Expiration: The second they ask "Where is this going?" you are already booking a flight to a different time zone. You commit to the fun, not the future. If the vibes shift from "adventure" to "obligations," you’re out.
♑ Capricorn
The "ROI" Expiration: You treat dating like a business. If this person isn't adding value to your life or moving toward a "partnership," you’re cutting your losses. You don't have "situationships"; you have "probationary periods" that usually end in a firing.
♒ Aquarius
The "Suffocation" Expiration: You need space to breathe. If they start texting you "Good morning" every single day, you start feeling trapped. It expires when they try to integrate into your actual life. You like the idea of them, not the reality of them.
♓ Pisces
The "Reality" Expiration: You are the queen of the "Hard Delusion." The situationship only expires when reality finally punches you in the face and you realize they aren't the soulmate you daydreamed about. You don't break up with them; you break up with the version of them you invented.