♈ ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, you're getting haunted for all the arguments you started in comment sections and then completely forgot about. You called somebody's baby ugly on Facebook in 2021, and they're STILL thinking about it. The internet never forgets, and apparently neither do the spirits.
♉ TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, you're getting haunted for stealing your roommate's food and then acting confused when they ask where it went. You ate their leftovers, drank their expensive creamer, and somehow had the nerve to complain that nobody buys groceries. The ghost is putting a lock on the fridge.
♊ GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini, you're getting haunted for telling somebody's business and then saying, "But don't tell anyone I told you." You've single-handedly destroyed three group chats and somehow still think you're the trustworthy friend. The ghosts are bringing screenshots.
♋ CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, you're getting haunted for telling people you're sick when you just didn't feel like leaving the house. You've had six imaginary migraines, three fake stomach bugs, and a mysterious fever that only happens on Fridays. The ghosts are checking your Instagram stories.
♌ LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you're getting haunted for making somebody else's big moment about YOU. Your friend got engaged, and somehow you turned the celebration into a photoshoot for your Instagram. The ghost is making sure you blink in every picture from now on.
♍ VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo, you're getting haunted for secretly judging everybody's house when you visit. You noticed the dirty baseboards, the expired milk, and the fact that their towels don't match. The ghosts are going to start leaving water rings on every piece of furniture you own.
♎ LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra, you're getting haunted for flirting with somebody you had ZERO intention of dating. You let them buy you drinks, take you to dinner, and meet your friends, all because you liked the attention. The ghosts are making sure every person you actually like leaves you on read.
♏ SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, you're getting haunted for keeping receipts from arguments that ended YEARS ago. You still have screenshots, voice memos, and a Notes app timeline from a breakup in 2020. The ghost is deleting your entire camera roll. Good luck proving anything now.
♐ SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius, you're getting haunted for convincing everybody to go out and then disappearing halfway through the night. You said "one more bar," ordered a round of shots, and then went home without telling anybody. The ghost is making sure your Uber cancels every time you're in a rush.
♑ CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn, you're getting haunted for pretending you didn't see your coworker's message because it came in at 4:59 PM. You were literally staring at your computer, but decided that was a problem for tomorrow. The ghost is scheduling every meeting you have at 4:45 on Friday.
♒ AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, you're getting haunted for borrowing clothes and never returning them. You've got three hoodies, somebody's favorite sunglasses, and a jacket you swear you've never seen before. The ghost is making every outfit you wear mysteriously disappear from your closet.
♓ PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, you're getting haunted for telling somebody you loved them when you really just loved the attention. You had them making playlists, planning dates, and thinking they'd found their soulmate. The ghost is making sure every love song reminds you of your most embarrassing situationship.